I find myself having a much easier time with everything 'cancer' when I'm busy. It a classic coping mechanism - swamp yourself with work, etc. so there is no time to think about what is wrong. So far, it's working for me.
Since being diagnosed, I have been going through cycles. I have a period of extreme joy, following that I am just neutral, and then I'll have down time and the hardships will hit.
Its when I sit around and think about my entire journey that I seem to get depressed. Why do I do this to myself? Luckily though, each down cycle is less severe each time. I take everything in stride and work through it.
Life is peculiar the way it works. I'm finding this out more and more each day.
Hopefully the next post will have more substance. There just isn't much cancer related on my mind tonight.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
A Sign that I'm Healing
Direct quote from one of my recent conversations:
“I’m not afraid of what I don’t know because that is completely irrational to do so. Life is gonna throw things at me and I’m gonna deal with them. Then i’ll die one day, and thats life. Its how I choose to deal with those things that matters, not what I’m dealing with.”
I'm definitely healing and growing wiser.
“I’m not afraid of what I don’t know because that is completely irrational to do so. Life is gonna throw things at me and I’m gonna deal with them. Then i’ll die one day, and thats life. Its how I choose to deal with those things that matters, not what I’m dealing with.”
I'm definitely healing and growing wiser.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Healing Process
Being 3 months post treatment is peculiar. I really don't know where I should be right now. I'm lost in a place somewhere between the old me and the new me - if there even are such things.
It's hard to explain what I feel some days, mostly because I don't know. I have busied myself with school, work, and clubs, so I don't have much time to think about everything. Recently though, I had a bit of a mental break down. Ok, a total mental break down. All these fears and insecurities crept up on my slowly and then steamrolled me all at once.
The biggest fear that I hate to admit?: Will the cancer come back?
I know I can't think about this. I can't worry about what the future holds because it is foolish to be afraid of something that does not yet exist. But just because I shouldn't be afraid doesn't stop me from actually being scared out of my mind. Silently scared, of course.
I guess I've just got a lot on my plate right now. I'm trying to heal but can't quite figure out the right way to go about it. I've always been a mathematical person, so it is in my nature to need a solution for everything. But hey Lauren, guess what, cancer and its effects can't be solved by math. Only by time. There is no right or wrong way to heal, just my way.
So I guess this is my way. Sharing myself with the world. Becoming vulnerable for all to see/read.
Like I have said before, I feel most proud of myself when I am emotionally vulnerable to the world. Which, by the way, I would never have thought a year ago. Everything was always bottled up. Perhaps this is why I find so much healing/ pride/ joy from my blogging adventures?
My life is a work in progress, and it will never be solved. If there is one thing I can be sure about, it's that.
I guess what it boils down to is I'm trying to find some sanity in an insane world.
But who isn't?
It's hard to explain what I feel some days, mostly because I don't know. I have busied myself with school, work, and clubs, so I don't have much time to think about everything. Recently though, I had a bit of a mental break down. Ok, a total mental break down. All these fears and insecurities crept up on my slowly and then steamrolled me all at once.
The biggest fear that I hate to admit?: Will the cancer come back?
I know I can't think about this. I can't worry about what the future holds because it is foolish to be afraid of something that does not yet exist. But just because I shouldn't be afraid doesn't stop me from actually being scared out of my mind. Silently scared, of course.
I guess I've just got a lot on my plate right now. I'm trying to heal but can't quite figure out the right way to go about it. I've always been a mathematical person, so it is in my nature to need a solution for everything. But hey Lauren, guess what, cancer and its effects can't be solved by math. Only by time. There is no right or wrong way to heal, just my way.
So I guess this is my way. Sharing myself with the world. Becoming vulnerable for all to see/read.
Like I have said before, I feel most proud of myself when I am emotionally vulnerable to the world. Which, by the way, I would never have thought a year ago. Everything was always bottled up. Perhaps this is why I find so much healing/ pride/ joy from my blogging adventures?
My life is a work in progress, and it will never be solved. If there is one thing I can be sure about, it's that.
I guess what it boils down to is I'm trying to find some sanity in an insane world.
But who isn't?
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