Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Healing Process

Being 3 months post treatment is peculiar. I really don't know where I should be right now. I'm lost in a place somewhere between the old me and the new me - if there even are such things.

It's hard to explain what I feel some days, mostly because I don't know. I have busied myself with school, work, and clubs, so I don't have much time to think about everything. Recently though, I had a bit of a mental break down. Ok, a total mental break down. All these fears and insecurities crept up on my slowly and then steamrolled me all at once.

The biggest fear that I hate to admit?: Will the cancer come back?

I know I can't think about this. I can't worry about what the future holds because it is foolish to be afraid of something that does not yet exist. But just because I shouldn't be afraid doesn't stop me from actually being scared out of my mind. Silently scared, of course.

I guess I've just got a lot on my plate right now. I'm trying to heal but can't quite figure out the right way to go about it. I've always been a mathematical person, so it is in my nature to need a solution for everything. But hey Lauren, guess what, cancer and its effects can't be solved by math. Only by time. There is no right or wrong way to heal, just my way.

So I guess this is my way. Sharing myself with the world. Becoming vulnerable for all to see/read.

Like I have said before, I feel most proud of myself when I am emotionally vulnerable to the world. Which, by the way, I would never have thought a year ago. Everything was always bottled up. Perhaps this is why I find so much healing/ pride/ joy from my blogging adventures?

My life is a work in progress, and it will never be solved. If there is one thing I can be sure about, it's that.

I guess what it boils down to is I'm trying to find some sanity in an insane world.

But who isn't?